Yep…when you vacation with your children and your ex, the only making out I did was with Alex. The dolphin.
Ok. So, we didn’t exactly make out. And who names a dolphin, Alex, anyway? But it was my only kiss in the Bahamas. “Did you give tongue to the dolphin, Wanda.” My ex thinks he’s funny. Ha. Ha. I didn’t.
Off to the magician. I’m impressed. Somewhat. If the magician can bring me the Big O on my family trip, I’ll be REALLY impressed. Didn’t happen. Guess he wasn’t that good. Entertainment at the Atlantis isn’t exactly Vegas. It’s more like one notch better than a cruise ship. And, that’s not saying much.
Going on vacation with your ex is about as platonic as going with your brother. He is a good guy. Funny. Engaging. We have known each other for over 20 years. We are comfortable with each other. Standing naked in front of him is not embarrassing nor uncomfortable. It’s more commonplace. The poor guy stood there in awe as I gave drug free birth to our third child. I hit octaves I’ve never hit before that day. Can you say, “painful?” I mean fucking painful! So, it's really no big deal being naked in front of my ex? He has seen me at my most graceful. Ok. Not so much. Giving birth like that is anything but graceful.
My kids couldn’t have been happier. First family vacation in over 4 years. They all thanked us. I think about all that I took away from them while I went through my own growing pains. In my 5th decade of life. Yep. Growing pains in your 40’s. It happens. Be prepared.
Nonetheless. I ripped them of their family. Their home. Their stability. All for what? In search of greener pastures? Bluer skies? Deeper seas? Altruistic love? Does it even exist? Who sacrifices the happiness of the very 4 people you created in order to satisfy your own selfish needs? Twenty plus years of therapy and I still don’t have answers.
At breakfast yesterday, my son asked me what it was like to have 5 dads. Ouch. Note to self. Don’t get married 5 times. You look like a damn fool. Or perhaps a weak woman. I’ve been both. Thank God it was merely an ephemeral moment.
The issues my friends have with their second marriages…too many to mention. So not worth it to me. At least at this point. But I can’t go back. I can’t offer false hope to them. It’s not fair to them. To him. To me. But I’m struggling. I’m floating in the air. Wondering where I’m going. I’ve lost my rudder. While I aimlessly drift into nothingness, I find I’m more lost now than ever.
So many couples end up hating each other in their divorce. To me, it takes too much energy to hate. ANYBODY. I simply don’t have the energy to hate. The only person worth hating in my divorce was me. And self loathing is so counter productive.
I suppose the goal in any divorce is to find peace with each other. Spewing hate only hurts the children. And, if you don’t have any children, consider yourself lucky. Ultimately, that person will no longer exist in your world. Like an old lover. Or your college boyfriend. Gone. Poof. Like magic. Like the magician who couldn’t get me laid this week. I suppose everyone has their limits. He certainly did.
I think to myself. Are we the modern family? The family who travels together. Eats together. Laughs together. Kisses dolphins together? A family in one sense. Except mom and dad don’t sleep together. Or even live together for that matter. Does that even matter? Where do we draw the lines on what defines a family?
If we could all just turn the hate down several notches. Enjoy the moments with each other. Enjoy our children that we created. Enjoy the person we chose to create these little people with so many years ago. Do it for them. For you. For him.
After an awkward fist bump at the end of our vacation, I found a moment of clarity vacationing with my ex. Maybe we should all stop and take that moment in.